When I am at work, I swear I am on the internet about 65% of the time. I probably have the only job left in the world (okay if that isn’t exageration I don’t know what is) that doesn’t need to be on the computer when am with my clients – that time will end I know it when I am forced to not do paper files but when I’m not with my clients I am on my computer.
This week there were quite a few good reads and including some podcasts that I have perused. First up:
This isn’t the usual comparing yourself to others, which I know I do way more than I want too because of the social ‘norms’ it is comparing yourself to yourself. When I look back into my past more so the fitness past, I know that although I felt way better about my self image (but still not 100%), I also know that I was not healthy in the least. I have mental stumbling blocks now a days that I would love to look like I used to, have great muscle definition, energy for days, but I also was so hyper-focused on which foods I could eat, at what times I could eat them and if I was done my caloric amount for the day I obsessed about what my next meal would include. I also know that my hormones were way out of whack ( a little hypothalamic amenorrhea) which didn’t take long for me to get out of once I realized what I was doing to myself.
Which lead perfectly into:
She also had a great follow up to this post too. I know for myself I still have a lot of healing to do and coming to terms with what my body is now (and on another parallel level a lot of things are on hold because I am pregnant) but this community is more about how food can heal you and try to repair your body. I get angry a tad when I look at my past and see what I was doing, under eating for my energy expenditures way below into the starvation modes and was getting so mad at my own body for holding onto dear life to these (what I call) major fat bags. I didn’t understand at the time what I was doing to myself – I mean you can’t when society says calories in = calories out. Well if I was following that to a ‘T’ which I was then I should have been at XX weight a long time ago but I wasn’t. I even had a personal trainer whom I was complaining to and she just kept telling me to eat less and I was like “How? I’m already starving now.”
I also hate the fact that society paints a pictured norm for us and having grown up in that day in age where we are touted for our hard regimes, our abilities to work ever so hard every single day, and to look a certain way that it makes me furious! I know I get really angry at my hubby as he has also grown up during this time and would love a ‘hot body-ed’ wife as I mean look at all those actresses and models right? Especially right after child birth right? But once again that leads into the comparison issues that I have.
I am still mentally stuck in that block of having to look a certain way but I need to understand myself that that just might not be how my body should look – I know in parts it shouldn’t because it takes away my fertility – I also hate this part that when I look at my body now, once again growing another human being at how much I hate how things are starting to protrude, how some mornings I wake up looking less than refreshed that in my head it will take me this much longer to get back to that societal goal.
That all leads into this podcast that I have been listening to basically on repeat all this last week: Balanced Bites Episode #133.
The guest speaker on this episode talks about how the confidence really does come from within and it does suck how our society takes that away from us (well me more so as I know I have lower self esteem issues that stem from when I was like 7…)
I do keep trying to engulf all these words around me to try and change my inner speak but as anyone knows about trying to change a fundamental value inside oneself it can take a really long time before those new pathways are paved in stone.
That went longer than I thought for today, but I guess the words were just flowing.