The conference I went to was really good. They had great speakers (some better than others) but the content was very interesting. I hope to cliff notes some of that probably in a later post as some of the themes are very good to place into regular life ‘lessons’.
This is not that post.
This is a post about how I feel about my social life.
I really don’t have one. Yes I have a kid. Yes I have another one on the way. My home situation doesn’t make it easy to leave the kid for the evening to get out and do the stuff I did prior to having kids. I also have a mental stopping block that because I spend so much time away from the kiddo during the day that I want to spend as much time as I can when I am at home so I have trouble breaking the cycle, part of it is my fault and I 100% acknowledge that.
That being said, I had a friend that I went to school with also go to this conference. This is a friend that we have in the past always tried to get together (more so me doing the asking and scheduling) with not a lot of reciprocating on their end. Part of me believes it is because we are in the exact same field and very realistically each others direct competition where we live as we live in the same town. I had an inkling that they maybe at this conference and I hope they would be so we could finally catch up.
Well, low and behold, I was sitting in a spot in one of the rooms waiting for the next speaker and this person comes right in and sits next to me (I mean that is what everyone does when going to a speaker). They started to make the usual small talk when you think you are sitting beside someone you don’t know, and the boom it was my friend! It was probably bound to happen but just talk about coincidence! We had a little chat prior to the speaker starting and I’ll admit I was nervous – why should I be though? I’m sure they weren’t. After that speaker it was lunch so I did ask if I could eat lunch with them and who they were there with. And then this is where I felt really awkward as they had people from their work there and so I felt like I was intrusive and not that I was asking any questions about their work activities or anything like that, I felt like I was being a spy and that is not what I want.
I have always wanted those in my profession in my town to have a good professional relationship and a one of positiveness. Because of what happened when I first rolled into town, I always feel there is a bit of bad blood between my side and their side of things. I know this is silly and both sides (for the most part) are happy with how things turned out. I know for myself I feel like I have done a lot of penance for the last few years and finally things are better for me at my job.
What I felt it boiled down to as I drove away from the conference on the last day, is that I am jealous of their camaraderie. There was a group of them relatively the same age and getting along great. I didn’t bring anyone and at work, sure I get along great with those who work for me but I would never hang out with them after work. That is a thing I probably did for myself, I’m the boss so I figure they wouldn’t want to hang out with me at work, but at the same time I have a big group of people much younger than me and the other set is older than me. No one is my age. So I just feel lonely.
I know this is a theme in my life right now and having a kid didn’t help me get out there and be more social in my outside conference life. I know there are mommy and me groups, but as you can guess it, they are when I am working so I can’t even get involved with that.
Like I said I hope to have a happier content tomorrow. I’m just in a slight funk right now that I know I have to get out of.